When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
