She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
