i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
