Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Randomize
