How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
