i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
