She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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