I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
