No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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