I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
