Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
