he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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