Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
