She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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