did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
