I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
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