The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Barsexuality is the new black.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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