i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
