I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
