i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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