I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Randomize