i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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