What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
My breasts were aching with rage.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
