My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
