Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Randomize
