Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
