Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
