I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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