between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
