We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
