Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
