toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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