The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
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her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
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The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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