sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
