It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
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