if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
