I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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