So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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