im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
