Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
