I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
