I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
