I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
