1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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