I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
