Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
