and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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