her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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