I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
