I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
