WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
