I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Four minutes until I can fart!
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
