upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
