I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
