If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
