Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
