A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
