Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Two words: nipple clamps
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