Porn is love you can see.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Randomize
