My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
