you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
