I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
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My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
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Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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