You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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